Monday 11 March 2024

Headliners by Dave Rigby

 




‘Bonjour,’ says Beret, to a passing stranger,

As he flaneurs along the Seine embankment,

Happy to have no itinerary

Just to follow his nose

And see what turns up.

A bright orange beret, nothing dull, for him,

Worn at such a jaunty angle

You’d swear it would slip off.

But even as the breeze blows off Pont Neuf,

Beret stays in position, defying gravity, cocking a snook.

***

Baseball Cap, worn backwards, the essence of cool,

Or maybe not!

On her way to a gig,

She stares through the tube window into the darkness of the tunnel,

The brightness of the stations,

Counting down the stops,

Her barely moving fingers running through the keyboard riffs

Of their new number.

Jazz funk the music world calls it,

But she dislikes genres and refuses to be pigeonholed.

At Covent Garden, she rises to the surface,

Tall, erect, composed, shades on, Baseball Cap minutely adjusted,

And glides towards the venue,

Knowing her trusty roadies will have everything ready

And her unreliable bandmates will suddenly focus,

When she strides onto stage, snaps finger and thumb,

Hovers over the keyboard

And plays that intro.

***

Bobble Hat, in colourful stripes is pulled down tight over ears,

The easterly cold and cutting,

The sleet undecided as to whether to veer up to snow,

Or down to rain.

Should she raise the hood of her waterproof,

As further protection against the elements?

No, she decides,

As that would hide the evidence of her grandma’s permanently clicking needles.

She climbs further up the steep slope,

Passing hard-bitten sheep who continue to eat, ignoring her presence.

At the top she’s greeted by sudden shafts of sunlight, breaking through black clouds.

For just for an instant, she’s in another world, before the shafts close,

The snowflakes sting her eyes and Bobble Hat begins to turn white.

She gazes out over the valley she can no longer see

And thinks about her mother,

At rest.

***

Flat Cap tries to keep up with greyhound,

As it dashes across the recreation ground after yet another

Imaginary rabbit.

Flat Cap still hasn’t got used to magic-extending-dog-leads and the idea

That dog owner should be the one in control.

A treat does the trick.

Man and dog stand watching the local eleven as they traverse the heavy pitch,

Trying desperately to score their first in weeks.

Their shouts echo across towards the decaying bulk of the Green Dragon,

A dim light in the lounge bar window, a curl of smoke

Emerging from a chimney in need of a rebuild and drifting down towards

A solitary, flickering street light.

Flat Cap is raised, head scratched, Cap lowered. Hands are clapped together,

Not to celebrate anything as unusual as a goal, but simply to keep warm.

Within five minutes and thirty seconds, the greyhound has seen enough of the game

And drags Flat Cap away from the pitch and into the Dragon.

The logs are putting on a red-glow show and in the sudden warmth,

Flat Cap is removed, a pint glass is lifted and a bowl of water is lapped.

***

The soft felt of the Fedora sits comfortably on the retired bank manager’s head.

The brim provides much-needed shade. The retiree instinctively runs his hand

Over the Fedora’s lengthwise crease and gives it the slightest of pinches.

He stretches out in the warm sun, not reading the book placed face-down

On the glass-topped table by his side.

Instead, Fedora reads the dappled light on the slow incoming waves,

Stories from other islands, far out across the bay,

Unoccupied, unsullied, un-touristed,

No inappropriate noise.

Fedora stirs, rises from the sun-lounger

And walks slowly across to the harbour master’s office.

He’s expecting a delivery, a parcel.

Come back in a couple of hours, he’d been told.

The clerk hands him the parcel.

The Fedora is raised slightly in thanks.

Outside, clattering over cobbles in a donkey-cart,

He removes the wrapping and checks the contents.

The drugs are there.

Another month’s medication.

Another month of life.

***

She wonders about the collective noun for Fascinators.

A fascination perhaps?

Her own displays feathers, not real ones, though they do look real,

Dried flowers, dried berries and beads which sparkle as the sun sets.

The whole creation, is attached to her hair with a mother-of-pearl clip,

Which has its own sparkling qualities.

It’s an evening of celebration. Her 60th birthday.

But she stands by herself on the veranda, at peace,

Unwilling to rejoin the throng inside and the chattering, drinking

And dancing to tunes she’s heard too many times before.

She feels like walking away.

And suddenly she is.

Along the lake shore, pleased with her comfortable, un-fascinating shoes,

Past the beached rowing boats

And the now-closed knick-knack stalls.

She buys herself a hot dog.

The vendor compliments her on the Fascinator.

She spills tomato sauce on her dress,

But is not bothered in the slightest.

Sometime soon she’ll have to turn and amble back to the party.

But not just yet.

Monday 26 February 2024

The Address Book by Judy Mitchell

I flicked quickly through the untidy pages of crossings-out, garish ink and poor writing, eager to replace them with entries reflecting my family and friends. The old book symbolised those early years when we started out together. A rush of new names, new faces, growing families. Divorce and distance had created casualties along the way. Now I wanted to start afresh.

There was a pile of letters and notes at my elbow which I had saved from the Christmas cards, each containing some change, news of illness, new addresses for those who had downsized or moved nearer to family, leaving behind old familiar house names.

I copied out the address of a distant cousin onto a new page of B’s. The house name as beautiful as the Arts and Craft house it described.

            ‘Do you remember that house?’

Her face turned towards me and I saw her smile.

            ‘Yes, lovely place. Beautiful garden. All those roses. I think she’s still there.’

I watched her eyes move towards the window, retracing in her mind the visit we had made to Kent many years before.

Her address book was still here in one of the drawers. This had been her desk. Walnut, Victorian with delicate marquetry and always the smell of beeswax. I put her book next to mine, its index thumbed carefully by her short, neat nails.

I had reached the C’s in my new pages and suddenly remembered her theory.

            ‘What was it you used to say about the B’s and the C’s?’ I asked her with a tinge of cynicism in my voice.

            ‘They always seemed to be the ones to go first,’ she replied seriously. ‘Look at my address book. The Blakes, Browns, Clarks and whole pages of Dodds and Denmans. All gone long before the Moorhouses and the McIntyres and the Taylors. Cowed by the passage of time, I reckon.’

‘What happened to Helen McIntyre?’ I asked her, thinking about the entry in her book for Helen and Peter.

‘The marriage fell apart in the 70’s.’ Her voice dropped to an almost inaudible whisper as she leaned towards me. ‘She found him in bed with her best friend’s husband. Wouldn’t do in those days, of course. One of her girls still lives near her but we didn’t see them for years.’

I put her address book on the desk and turned to the T’s. Her finger pointed to the open page.

            ‘Look at them. The Taylors, the Thornleys. All still upright, tall and broad-shouldered, not like we Blakes.’

I returned to my neat pages in my best writing and suddenly I had misspelt a Welsh address confused by that language’s absence of vowels.

            ‘Write in block capitals,’ I heard her telling me, her eyes looking over the top of her glasses. ‘Easier to read.’

I ignored the advice and continued along the second part of the alphabet wanting to escape the pages of short-livers. At the letter S I left out Aunty Sarah Smith who had died before Christmas and for a moment, I could hear the swell of the voices of the choristers as their words soared into the cold November air at that beautiful service only weeks ago. I had missed having mum at my side that day. Outside the Cathedral, the rain and wind had flipped the last of the autumn leaves into auburn spirals as I left the Cathedral Close, my shoes clattering on the worn cobbles.

I picked up my pen again and added new names to my pages and realised I had reached the last letters. I had never understood why Mum hadn’t crossed out the names of all those who had gone before her.

            ‘They’re part of my journey,’ she had insisted. ‘Mostly happy memories. Lives touched. I hope I have stayed on their lists.’

I looked at her handwriting; bold extravagant. Each letter upright, dancing on an invisible line. Then there was her signature – defiant and steady even in the final years. Diana Blake who had died just before her 97th birthday.

Monday 12 February 2024

The Beauty of Nature by Susie Field

 


Chattering birds in a cloudless sky.

A whispering wind passes by.

The turquoise sea shimmers below,

as gentle waves endlessly flow.

 

The heat of the sun on a Summer’s day.

Laughing children – happy at play.

Hours to fill with fun and pleasure,

Making memories to always treasure.

 

Fluttering leaves carpet the ground,

constantly falling without a sound.

Vibrant colours – brown, red, and gold,

as Autumn arrives, proud and bold.

 

The moon casts a shadow on the earth below,

now covered in a carpet of virgin snow.

Icicles gather on windowpanes.

Children sledge down slippery lanes.

 

Soon golden daffodils will dance and sway.

A welcoming sight on a warm Spring day.

Another season tells a different story,

as nature’s revealed in all its glory.

Monday 29 January 2024

Misunderstandings, Misspellings and Malapropisms by Vivien Teasdale

 



It’s term time again, when disgruntled teachers and students are glaring at each other across the classroom, parents breath a sigh of relief and retired teachers raise a large glass of wine to celebrate.

But not everything is doom and gloom. I chanced to look at some snippets I still keep from those halcyon days, so here they are for your amusement.

Business students often get the wrong idea about the world of work. One young person informed me that ‘small businesses cannot have special offers to attack customers’. Quite fortunate if you regularly support your local shop.

The Office Shops and Retail Premises Act apparently states that ‘Sedentary workers must be suitable in design’, though also specifies that ‘Clothing should not be worn during working hours.’ So if you’re a budding naturist, and are suitable in design, you’ll be in with a chance of a job.

Spelling errors accounted for many a laugh in the staff room, even before we ‘helled a reunion party’. Apparently the UK ‘imports roar materials,’ and though you can ‘pay your money back in weakly sums’, remember that ‘a cheque is a peace of paper,’ so may be preferred. Besides, an overdraft means ‘you can sing cheques even when you have no money in your account, though a dishonest cheque is returned unpaid.

Marks and Spencer is obviously diversifying since it employs managers and sails assistants, probably because they are moving to a minute shopping mall which covers a mere eleven eclairs. A sweet thought, but I presumed the pupil meant hectares.

Science also got a look in. Nowadays, animals ‘discrete’ their waste and presumably hide in the air, since ‘the troposphere is the third lair of the atmosphere’.

Complete misunderstandings are rare, but I was surprised to discover that ‘lava from volcanoes cools to form bath salt rocks.’ A budding Terry Pratchett also decided that ‘the centre of the solar system is a hot water tank with a metal thing on top.’ How scientists have managed not to find it yet is astonishing. It’s probably just behind Great A’Tun and the four elephants.

Teenagers are often accused of not being aware of the world of work, but some have ideas which could prove … innovative:

Reception is more than always in the entrance. If visitors haven’t an appointment, put them in the caller’s register. When answering the telephone, speak good literature instead of broad Yorkshire. Remember, fire doors should be kept closed at all times, except when walking through them. Equipment for collecting filing from departments includes a trolley, a tray and an office boy.

To improve communication, knock out a few of the managers.

Life assurance is a good idea as it provides cover for death over a long time. When you get a lump sum, it is not to replace your husband only to help you continue living.

Many of us would like the chance to go to the USA, so here are the latest reviews to help you make your decision:

America is typically American and the food is surprisingly food.

America welcomes you to a galaxy of slights and excitement. Visit rodeos, museums and State Affairs.

Prices run from $6 to astronomical for a world championship boring match. If that doesn’t suit, tourists will find pleasure accommodation there.

After all this, you might prefer to sit down to a good meal:


Menu:


Collieflour soup

Corned Beef Ash

Cornish Paste

Parsnipes, Sweed, Carets

 

Tearymisu


Cheery Brandy