Missing by Dave Rigby

What do you want, Gav?

There’s been a break-in!

Well that’s a first. What’s missing? Don’t tell me. One of the barrels of embalming fluid? A few sheets of mahogany? Or one of our super-luxe caskets?

It’s worse than any of them. It’s 105/20!

Oh no! That’s Charlie Hughes, isn’t it. He was alright…but his relatives! So how did our Burke and Hare get in?

Well that’s the thing. They must have got hold of a key somehow and what with the alarm being on the blink…

So, it wasn’t strictly speaking a break in at all. Still – it’s not as if we’ll be claiming for him on the insurance.

No, boss. What do you want me to do – call the cops?

I suppose you’d better. Perhaps we can get them to break the news to Mrs Hughes. Wait a mo though. Maybe we should keep schtum for the time being. If we can find Charlie and get him back, she’ll be none the wiser.

The cameras opposite might have picked up the body snatchers.

Good thinking, Gav. When you talk to the police, don’t mention Charlie, just tell them we’ve had some coffins nicked and ask them to check the CCTV. That way we might be able to spot our villains without letting the Charlie cat out of the bag.

Right oh, boss. I’ll call you back in a bit.

…

What do you mean the camera didn’t show any vehicles pulling up outside the parlour?

That’s what the fuzz said. No suspicious vehicular activity. 

That’s a bit weird. Maybe the CCTV’s on the blink – like our alarm.

No, I checked with them. It was working OK.

You are sure he’s missing, Gav. Not been on the pop again!

No, boss – honest. Come and see for yourself. He’s vanished into thin air.

That seems a bit unlikely. You’re going to have to phone Mrs Hughes.

Me? Why me? You always speak to the clients!

But I’m not in the parlour, Gav. She’ll want to speak to the man on the ground. Anyway, I’ve just remembered it’s supposed to be the funeral tomorrow, so we can’t really stall any longer. Just ignore her threats. She probably won’t carry them out. Ring me as soon as you’ve spoken to her.

Why do I get all the difficult jobs?

…

Hello, boss. You’re not going to believe this, but I spoke to him.

You mean her.

No, him – Charlie.

Look Gav, you swore you hadn’t been drinking – or are you about to claim he came to you in a vision?

No, boss. No drinking, no visions. It was the telephone.

Oh, I see. A hot line to heaven I suppose!

No, it was the Hughes’ number actually. Luckily, she was out. But Charlie answered.

OK – I’ll humour you. What did he say?

He said to tell you that next time, you’d better make sure he really is dead.