Misunderstandings, Misspellings and Malapropisms by Vivien Teasdale

 

It’s term time again, when disgruntled teachers and students are glaring at each other across the classroom, parents breath a sigh of relief and retired teachers raise a large glass of wine to celebrate.

But not everything is doom and gloom. I chanced to look at some snippets I still keep from those halcyon days, so here they are for your amusement.

Business students often get the wrong idea about the world of work. One young person informed me that ‘small businesses cannot have special offers to attack customers’. Quite fortunate if you regularly support your local shop.

The Office Shops and Retail Premises Act apparently states that ‘Sedentary workers must be suitable in design’, though also specifies that ‘Clothing should not be worn during working hours.’ So if you’re a budding naturist, and are suitable in design, you’ll be in with a chance of a job.

Spelling errors accounted for many a laugh in the staff room, even before we ‘helled a reunion party’. Apparently the UK ‘imports roar materials,’ and though you can ‘pay your money back in weakly sums’, remember that ‘a cheque is a peace of paper,’ so may be preferred. Besides, an overdraft means ‘you can sing cheques even when you have no money in your account, though a dishonest cheque is returned unpaid.

Marks and Spencer is obviously diversifying since it employs managers and sails assistants, probably because they are moving to a minute shopping mall which covers a mere eleven eclairs. A sweet thought, but I presumed the pupil meant hectares.

Science also got a look in. Nowadays, animals ‘discrete’ their waste and presumably hide in the air, since ‘the troposphere is the third lair of the atmosphere’.

Complete misunderstandings are rare, but I was surprised to discover that ‘lava from volcanoes cools to form bath salt rocks.’ A budding Terry Pratchett also decided that ‘the centre of the solar system is a hot water tank with a metal thing on top.’ How scientists have managed not to find it yet is astonishing. It’s probably just behind Great A’Tun and the four elephants.

Teenagers are often accused of not being aware of the world of work, but some have ideas which could prove … innovative:

Reception is more than always in the entrance. If visitors haven’t an appointment, put them in the caller’s register. When answering the telephone, speak good literature instead of broad Yorkshire. Remember, fire doors should be kept closed at all times, except when walking through them. Equipment for collecting filing from departments includes a trolley, a tray and an office boy.

To improve communication, knock out a few of the managers.

Life assurance is a good idea as it provides cover for death over a long time. When you get a lump sum, it is not to replace your husband only to help you continue living.

Many of us would like the chance to go to the USA, so here are the latest reviews to help you make your decision:

America is typically American and the food is surprisingly food.

America welcomes you to a galaxy of slights and excitement. Visit rodeos, museums and State Affairs.

Prices run from $6 to astronomical for a world championship boring match. If that doesn’t suit, tourists will find pleasure accommodation there.

After all this, you might prefer to sit down to a good meal:

Menu:

Collieflour soup

Corned Beef Ash

Cornish Paste

Parsnipes, Sweed, Carets

 

Tearymisu

Cheery Brandy