Twenty Before Twenty by Vivien Teasdale

 If you look online, there are loads of ‘things you should do before … such as the National Trust’s list for children under eleven and three-quarters. All very laudable, like getting to know a tree, camping, play conkers (with due regard to Health & Safety), play Pooh sticks and skim stones (loved doing that, before and after the above age).

Adults are also given instructions. Lists of twenty things you are expected to do before reaching the old age of twenty, and so on up the decades – thirty items before age thirty, fifty before your half century.

The problem is that the older you get, the more things you have to do and that does not suit my notion of growing old gracefully. I prefer the ‘three score years and ten’ version. Instead of matching the items to years, work backwards:

70 things to do before you’re 10

60 things to do before you’re 20

50 things to do before you’re 30

and so on until you get to

10 things to do before you’re 70

This is much more achievable and more efficient, matching the number of activities to the likely energy levels and keeping the kids quiet by finding them seventy things which will take up their time and stamina, without impinging too much on whatever activities you prefer. Make them learn ice skating, while you sit on the sidelines and knit/read/text as you choose. Transcendental meditation might be a good one: keep them quiet while you both chill out.

For the following decade, well, they have the challenge of GCSE and A levels, but why not add learning to clean the bath properly, standing on one leg while cleaning their teeth and repaying loans on time and in full before taking out another one from the bank of Mum and Dad.

Next come the challenges of the middle years with buying a house, starting a family and promotions at work. But what about that trip in a helicopter you always promised yourself? Have you ever tried donating blood, gone to a music festival, been to live theatre, gone on a retreat, eaten candyfloss or Pontefract cakes? Do something really mad like going down a zip wire, take a llama for a walk, jump in a puddle and/or make mud pies. Finish the year with a Moulin Rouge party – women in tuxedos, men in skimpy dresses doing the can-can.

By the time you’ve got through the years doing all sorts of strange and wonderful things which will, no doubt, have appeared on the decade’s list, (and on social media, if you are not careful), you’ll be so exhausted that the last ten before seventy can cheerfully encompass toasting marshmallows before the fire (if fires have not been banned by then), riding a steam train, admiring the night sky, feeding the ducks and, most importantly, seeing the sun come up.

And after seventy? That list is simple. Wake up. Do whatever you feel like doing, no matter what others tell you is more appropriate.