Lady of Consequence by Vivien Teasdale

 

So, they’ve gone and I’m all alone, as usual. No, that’s not true. I can hear the mice chittering in the corner and the rats scrabbling under the floorboards. But there’s another sound, one I’ve not heard before. A sort of whistling susurration.

‘What the hell do you want?’ I asked as a strange woman appeared in the doorway, flouncing about in a fluffy pink ball gown.

‘I am Fuchsia, your fairy godmother. I’m here to make your dreams come true,’ she replied, smiling inanely.

‘Oh, F … goodness sake. Well, you look like a fairy alright. And if you keep wafting that wand around like that, you’ll light up like one. Those candles burn, you know.’

‘Sorry,’ she clasped the wand in both hands and stood still. ‘You are in a bad mood, aren’t you? But, you shall go to the ball, Ashes.’

‘Cinders! With you in charge I’ll probably end up in the castle dungeon. I’m staying put.’

‘Oh, no, you have to go! Please, Ash... Cinders. I’m on probation for my new job. If you don’t go, I’ll be getting my P45.’

‘Well, then …’

She brightened up, waved the wand once more and there I was in a pretty cream outfit, all frills and furbelows, looking as if I should be simpering in a Georgian romance.

I grabbed the wand off her and flung it on the floor. It bounced off my feet and suddenly my dainty slippers turned to hobnail boots. They reflected my mood exactly.

I picked up the wand, grinning maliciously at Fuchsia. She ran behind a chair and stared in horror as I waved the wand, just as she had. Only this time, I was dressed in a tight fitting scarlet underdress, with black satin over it, cut down the centre and with a low-cut slashed bodice to show the red underneath. There were puff shoulders with long black net sleeves, black ribbon round my neck and red and black ribbons in my hair. Reluctantly, I changed the boots to black patent leather high heeled shoes and the wand into a black cigarette holder.

‘Terrific!’ I said.

Fuchsia fainted.

I was the last to arrive at the ball, but what an entrance. I stood at the end of the line, waiting for my turn to go through the ornate doors. The Master of Ceremonies announced each one in turn: Lord and Lady Carmichael, His Highness Prince Tollemacher. How boring. I wafted a cloud of smoke from my cigarette holder to speed things up.

He quickly announced ‘Countess Cuddles’, followed, very closely, by the Duke of Depravity. Heads turned, everyone glanced slyly at everyone else. ‘Sir Henry Handwanderer’ looked shocked as he was introduced to the Queen and kept his hands very close to his sides. The Earl of Evil Desires kept his eyes on the floor and Lady Lewdness ran for the exit.

I reached the doorway quite quickly after that, so many decided to leave before the ball even began. I was introduced as Lady Bella Incognita. They all looked up at that and smiled at me.

It was a fun evening. Everyone complained about the food, though the cook was happy to give them the recipe. He cheerfully admitted that the pate was half goose, half sawdust; ‘I feel constrained to tell the truth,’ he cried, not mincing matters half as much as he had minced the rat, which he admitted was what formed most of the curry. When accused of watering the wine, he agreed and would have said more but I thought the whole truth might be too much for the company to know. He looked bothered and bewildered when I took the spell off, and then he ran for the door too.

My biggest problem was that the blasted prince would keep chasing after me. I’d heard his nickname was the Slimy Seducer, but that was just the half of it. When he cornered me in the cloakroom, I’d had enough. I turned him into an octopus and fled.

Trouble is, I’m a bit impetuous. I hadn’t thought to ask Fuchsia anything about her job. Or the consequences of her spells. I heard the clock chime and thought nothing about it. Until, that is, my dress started to shrivel up and next thing I knew I was back in my rags. I ran, hotly pursued by half the palace staff, intent on catching the intruder.

I don’t know where they ended up, but I found myself in a small dark room with barred windows and locked door, somewhere at the back of the palace. I was facing a rather good looking bloke who was definitely not a fairy godfather. And he had the keys.

‘You’ve caused me no end of trouble, Cinders’ he said. ‘And Fuchsia too. She’s most upset. I took her on as an apprentice, but now … ’

‘Don’t blame her. It’s my fault for pinching her wand, yes, but it’s your fault for not seeing that she’s not cut out for dealing with anyone but wimps.’

‘I’ve had nothing but complaints and I’m supposed to be in charge of the godparent department.’

He glared at me. ‘She … we offered you the chance of a life of ease. Compared with the life you were living, what more could you want?’

‘I want to be up and doing. I want dragons to slay! Wrongs to right. Make people take responsibility, accept the consequences of their actions.’

‘Well, if tonight’s anything to go by you’ve already caused a few divorces, not to mention some lost jobs. But if that’s what you want, so be it.’

He waved a hand and we were back in the kitchen of my home, with the rats scrabbling and the mice scratching.

‘You’ll need to go on a training course first. How to handle a wand, what is acceptable …’

He didn’t get any further because he’d forgotten I still had a small, black cigarette holder. He may be King Rat, but I’m now a Lady of Consequence.