Yorkshire Writers' Lunch

Quite a do we are at string quartet groom in top hat pretty people nice ‘n’ neat wedding people flash not sweet Stunning bride smiles sweetly looks around leaves discreetly calls a friend coz she’s a cheat wedding people flash not sweet Top table champagne flows boring speeches everyone knows she’s up the duff by a guy in Crete wedding people flash not sweet Food arrives on silver trays decanted wine that will amaze she don’t care she took his meat wedding people flash not sweet The DJ starts plays some hits guys dancing looking like tits bridesmaid off hers sweat in the heat wedding people flash not sweet New husband looks for his bride she ain’t there she’s gone to hide with that guy the one from Crete wedding people flash not sweet Him from Crete steps into the room all chat stops to look at the groom but he don’t know the guy from Crete wedding people flash not sweet She’s mine says the guy from Crete what the f*** is this says the...

The Wonderful Wedding by Vivien Teasdale Wayne was a werewolf with wonderful ways Who dreamed a daring dream one day. As he stood in the shower, soaping his skin He thought how thoroughly taut and thin Were his cheeks and chops and charming chin But, longing for lean and lithe-looking limbs, He jauntily joined Johnny’s Junior gym. Here huffing and hoisting, he heaved and hopped And swore to sustain this sweating, and shopped For carbs and calories in dinner and cake. Then with plentiful proteins packing his plate And arousing his appetite, amply he ate. By devouring this diet, our doughty disciple Soon ruffled his rivals with rhomboids that rippled. Then one day Wendy walked in for a workout. The gentlemen gaped, soon beginning to growl. Such preening and pouting, and powerful pumping Of iron, but ignoring their ill-judged insulting She shook off their shameless, saucy saluting Merely marking it down as unmanly madness Or boisterous beha...

It was inevitable that Leda and Troy would fall in love. How could they not? What could be more romantic than risking certain death together on the high wire, falling together, plunging through the air into the net below? The tension, the elation, the adoration and gasps from the crowd as they performed high in the circus tent, were intoxicating. Though watched by hundreds of eager eyes, yet they were alone, isolated on the high wire. A proper circus wedding. There was some discussion as to whether the Circus Master should give the bride away, or perform the role of best man. But as Mr Byzantine was a rather portly gentleman, not known for his lightness of step, it was felt that to attempt to stand on the high wire might be a step too far. It was agreed that he could give Leda away, handing her onto the wire from the safety of his turret, high above the congregation. He would be symbolically setting her on her journey to join her groom. The trapeze artists wanted a...