Yorkshire Writers' Lunch

Lifeless it sat there on the table, an empty vessel awaiting a soul. Its two eye-shaped holes stared unseeing at its creator, and a slit lined with human-like teeth gaped in a vague approximation of a smile. But there was nothing human about that face. It had no nose like its orange counterparts of the modern world, lacking the character often bestowed upon those distant relatives in the here and now. A candle passed into the hollow frame, though the lantern was made no less eerie for the orange glow. Its creator didn’t seem to notice. This was her favourite time of the year, and she observed these ancient customs with more than just sacred duty. Lady Sarah of Wilton stood back to admire her handiwork. She could have had the servants carve out the turnip for her, but every year she insisted on doing it herself. All Hallows’ Eve was one of the few nights where anything might be possible. It was a night for lost souls, their one chance to find their way to Heaven through the prayers of t...

  Calls to act now Languish on deaf ears. Images of arboreal destruction, Melting ice-kingdoms And flooded plains Tell us we must do more. Earth weeps.   Champions of the future, Help those who come after us And show them we care. Nurture our precious planet. Go in search of new ways. Even now, there is time.   Ask yourself – what can I do, today? Climb out of your habits. Turn the tide.   Not on our watch Or our children’s, Will we let this continue.   An acrostic poem is one in which the first letter of each line spells out a message.            

Margaret, a spinster, mid-fifties, is at the kitchen sink washing up and looking out of the window. She is thinking of the passing of an acquaintance. Well, of all the things I could think of, one of them was not watching that woman from number sixty-two parading herself on the arm of a swanky looking man in full daylight. Has she no common decency? No sense of grief? And she is wearing red shoes! What is the world coming to, I blame it on the television.   Mind you, I always knew it would come to this. I had a feeling when the funeral was on, not that I attended, not for all the tea in China. Not that I didn’t like the husband, no. It was more I that disliked her.   He was as regular as clockwork. Walked past me every morning at 7.45 on his way to the station and back in the evening at 5.55, always had a cheery smile for me. He worked in the city, Leeds, in one of the big banks, Midland, I think. I hear he was a big noise in property too. Their house is nice eno...

I’m Colin the computer and I work in A and E No one even knows my name and no one speaks to me. I’m very stressed and overworked,   I rarely take a break I sit in line and don’t complain - it’s hard for goodness sake. They bang my keys and spin me round, they simply do not care Sometimes they gather in little groups, just simply stand and stare. I always seem to get the blame when things are not quite right But I only store what they give to me - morning, noon and night. An x-ray here, another scan and even a ruptured spleen Dashing about here and there, switching from screen to screen. Zooming in and zooming out,   please make up your mind Something else they must have lost or simply cannot find.   Poor Carol’s in reception and she doesn’t like that crowd. It’s busier than ever and they’re noisy, rude and loud. Carl has done much better, he’s sitting with a nurse A private little office, now that must be a first. Not a major accident or ...

What do you want, Gav? There’s been a break-in! Well that’s a first. What’s missing? Don’t tell me. One of the barrels of embalming fluid? A few sheets of mahogany? Or one of our super-luxe caskets? It’s worse than any of them. It’s 105/20! Oh no! That’s Charlie Hughes, isn’t it. He was alright…but his relatives! So how did our Burke and Hare get in? Well that’s the thing. They must have got hold of a key somehow and what with the alarm being on the blink… So, it wasn’t strictly speaking a break in at all. Still – it’s not as if we’ll be claiming for him on the insurance. No, boss. What do you want me to do – call the cops? I suppose you’d better. Perhaps we can get them to break the news to Mrs Hughes. Wait a mo though. Maybe we should keep schtum for the time being. If we can find Charlie and get him back, she’ll be none the wiser. The cameras opposite might have picked up the body snatchers. Good thinking, Gav. When you talk to the police, don’t mention Charlie, just tell them we’ve...

  On top of an antique bureau, I find a packet of crisps. This is not my bureau nor is it my packet of crisps. I turn to the owner of one or both.             He is a little old shopkeeper with a fan of grey curls around the massive bald spot on top of his head. Only after I clear my throat does he take his slippered feet off his desk and come to my assistance. I point at the crisps. “Don’t you have a bin for that?”             The old man titters. “Actually, you’ll find that this is just as much an antique as the bureau.”             “How so?”             “It’s Golden Wonder.”             I shake my head, waiting for more.             At last he...

Four old friends used to meet regularly at their local for a few lunchtime pints and a ‘friendly’ game of dominoes. Everything would have been great, were it not for the fact that one of their number, Fred, won nearly every game he took part in. He swore he wasn't cheating, but, “How else could he win so often?” the others mused. Slowly but surely, the constant winning streak took its toll on their patience and they formulated a plan to sort spawny Fred out once and for all. The next day, after a particularly long, yet inevitably conclusive game, the two larger men grabbed their antagonist and held him down while the other stuffed the plastic dominoes into every orifice of poor old Fred's anatomy he could find. Dripping dominoes as he went, Fred waddled into town and headed for the doctors. He slammed open the front doors, dashed past the startled receptionist, through the busy waiting room and barged straight into Doctor Smith's surgery without a pause. Doctor ...