Driving Lesson by Andrew Shephard

Oncoming cars in the middle of the road -

my father dear, insurance man, to me advice bestowed:

keep looking out for traffic, don’t stare at girls in woad.

Damn! Oncoming bus in the middle of the road.

Oncoming bus in the middle of the road -

keep your brakes well serviced, make sure your speed has slowed.

Concentrate that one-track mind, read the Highway Code.

Cripes! Oncoming truck in the middle of the road.

Oncoming truck in the middle of the road -

watch how you handle that articulated load.

Make sure those mounds of much are well and truly stowed.

Blast! Oncoming girl in the middle of the road.

Oncoming girl in the middle of the road -

Elegant and fashionable, and in a bluish mode.

I offer her a careful ride towards her chic abode,

and now there’s children playing in the middle of the road.

Oncoming child in the middle of the road -

always fear an accident from any episode.

Drive as if you’re going to meet a drink-fuelled Mr Toad

and you can get home safely down the middle of the road.

This poem is best read out loud. My wife has always chosen holidays in the most remote, sticky-out places in Britain, and driving to the cottage or campsite often involves several hours in the car and roads which get narrower and narrower until meeting a local bus or tractor becomes a test of nerve.