The Ditchwater Report by Owen Townend

Judge Pebble Presiding

The Defendant: Mud Speck (representing himself)

The Prosecutor: Paper Scrap

The Charge: Trespass of the puddle beside the lamppost on the other side of the road.

The Plea: Not Guilty.

PAPER SCRAP - Mr Speck, you float accused of a serious offence here. You are aware that the puddle in question is only an inch deep, are you not?

MUD SPECK - I am. I refuse to further comment on such a shallow charge.

PAPER SCRAP - Mr Speck, this is a cross examination. You are expected to comment.

MUD SPECK - I refer back to my alibi.

PAPER SCRAP - Yes. Your alibi. I would like to clarify some detail.

MUD SPECK - If you must.

PAPER SCRAP - You claim that on the night in question you had...sunk? Is that correct?

MUD SPECK - Yes. To my usual crack in the pavement.

PAPER SCRAP - And the purpose of your visit?

MUD SPECK - I have relatives down there.

PAPER SCRAP - They can confirm this?

MUD SPECK - Yes.

PAPER SCRAP- Yet they remain unavailable for comment.

MUD SPECK - I am the only one of our family who rises.

PAPER SCRAP - Let the record show that Mr Speck is the only active member of his family.

MUD SPECK - Why is that worthy of note?

PEBBLE - Every word you say today is worthy of note, Mr Speck.

PAPER SCRAP - Thank you, Your Honour.

PEBBLE - That being said, do get to your point, Ms Scrap.

PAPER SCRAP - Of course. Mr Speck are you aware of the effects on our road by the winter just passed?

MUD SPECK - Objection! This seems very tenuous.

PEBBLE - Sustained. Ms Scrap, the point please.

PAPER SCRAP - Local ditchwater was frozen including the crack in which you and your family reside. Mr Speck, do you know what happens when a crack is filled with water and then frozen?

MUD SPECK - It depends on the size of the crack.

PAPER SCRAP - Not so. A crack always expands. I present to the court an official Ditchwater Report of the size of Mr Speck's residential crack before winter and after it.

Document is presented.

PAPER SCRAP - Please note how the crack has spread both ways by an inch.

MUD SPECK - Objection! I fail to see the relevance here.

PEBBLE - Overruled. I have looked over the report in my chambers. The new evidence is admissible. Please continue, Ms Scrap.

PAPER SCRAP - Thank you.

MUD SPECK - Just how is my crack relevant to this case?

PAPER SCRAP - It is not directly. Its lengthening, however, has led to a connecting secondary crack that runs much deeper and further out. More precisely this crack leads across the road to the lamppost and consequently the puddle that was illegally entered.

MUD SPECK - Objection! Your Honour, surely this is conjecture!

PEBBLE - Overruled. As you can see, Mr Speck, photos of this were included in the report.

MUD SPECK - This is ridiculous. Just what do you believe I did at this other puddle? There are no recent reports of damage or erosion, at least as far as I've seen.

PAPER SCRAP - Not damage. However the mud speck population has been significantly reduced recently. It is my belief through absorption.

MUD SPECK - Ludicrous! That is a ludicrous accusation! How could you even back it up?

PAPER SCRAP - Further measurement.

MUD SPECK - Of cracks?

PAPER SCRAP - Of you. Your Honour?

PEBBLE - Bring forth the ruler shard.

A shard of a ruler is brought into the courtroom by Ripples.

PAPER SCRAP - Mr Speck, you were last measured as being half a millimetre tall, were you not?

MUD SPECK - Yes.

The ruler shard is stood beside the accused.

PAPER SCRAP - Officer, please state the current height of Mr Speck.

RIPPLE - A millimetre exactly, ma'am.

The jury are audibly shocked. The accused quivers.

MUD SPECK - All right! I absorbed one little clod! Are you satisfied?

PEBBLE - Seize the defendant.

Multiple Ripples move in to hold the accused in place.

MUD SPECK - One little clod! It was nothing! I could have done much worse!

PEBBLE - The charges have changed. Mr Speck, I would advise you to watch what you say from now on. (to Ripples) Take him to the holding crevice.

The accused is led away. He struggles.

MUD SPECK - How dare you! Absorption is my right! My absolute right!

PAPER SCRAP - The prosecution rests.