Where to Guvnor? by Dave Rigby

Where to Guvnor?

Follow that blue Mazda.

What?

That Mazda! I want you to follow it.

What for real?

Exactly – there’s a pony in it for you.

In that case I’m already following. So, what’s he done?

Who?

The Mazda driver.

Nothing…yet.

Listen guvnor this isn’t going to get dangerous is it…no shooters or anything like that?

Nothing like that mate. Get a bit nearer – you’re in danger of losing him.

Well we’re in a 30 and anyway it’s not safe to overtake on this street.

Just my luck – a cabbie who sticks to the highway code!

If he gets onto the ring road, I’ll have a chance.

He won’t.

What?

Get onto the ring road. I’d put money on it.

Where do you reckon he’s heading then?

The coast.

But that’s bloody miles!

A good wedge for you then.

Suppose so but I’ll be late for my tea and it’s the wife’s homemade pizza tonight.

Lucky you.

Alright if I call her – hands free like?

Whatever, but don’t lose the Mazda.

Sounds like I’ll have to leave a message. Sorry ducks, I’m off to the seaside, be a bit late back.

+ + +

Who is he then?

You don’t need to know and anyway, he’s a her.

You’re joking!

Wish I was.

She an ex?

Sort of.

Don’t give much away do you.

Not known for it.

Must be nearly there now.

We are.

So we are, she’s stopped! Getting out, yeah definitely not a man. What on earth is she doing now?

I think it’s called damaging my property.

So you knew where she was going all along.

Of course. Still – not as bad as I thought it might be. It’s only the fence at the moment. Quick you need to sort it out. Go and calm her down.

Me!! She’s your sort-of-ex.

Exactly, I’d only wind her up whereas you’re not involved, a neutral, could negotiate a truce. It’d double your money as well.

She’ll just tell me to get lost.

She will but I know you. You’ll talk her round.

What do you mean by that? We’ve only known each other five minutes. Why should I take this kind of risk for a bullseye?

Go on then. I’ll make it a ton. I’ll hide in here and look after the cab. Off you go.   He’s doing well, careful now, don’t get too close too soon that’s it, I knew he was a natural. Look at that, she’s dropped the spray can halfway through the word. That’ll save my rep. Oi…no need to go as far as that mate! Damn! I forgot she’s still got her key. Cup of tea, is it? Think I’ll wait in here a bit longer, make certain things have really calmed down before I venture out!